Sibling relationships are some of the most complex and enduring bonds we’ll ever have. They can be sources of deep love and lifelong friendship, but they can also involve intense competition, jealousy, and sometimes behavior that crosses into bullying territory. As parents, watching our children hurt each other—whether through words, actions, or exclusion—can be heartbreaking and frustrating. Here are ten evidence-based strategies to help navigate these challenging dynamics while building stronger family bonds.
1. Avoid Comparisons at All Costs
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” might seem like motivation, but it’s actually fuel for resentment. Every comparison, no matter how well-intentioned, sends the message that one child is the standard and the other is lacking. Instead of comparing, celebrate each child’s individual strengths and progress. When you need to address behavior, focus on the specific action rather than contrasting it with a sibling’s behavior. Say “I need you to clean up your room” instead of “Your brother keeps his room so neat.”
2. Create Individual Connections with Each Child
Sibling rivalry often stems from competition for parental attention and love. When children feel secure in their individual relationship with you, they’re less likely to see siblings as threats. Schedule regular one-on-one time with each child, even if it’s just fifteen minutes of undivided attention. During this time, put away devices, ask about their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities they enjoy. This individual attention helps fill their emotional tank and reduces the need to compete.
3. Address the Underlying Emotions, Not Just the Behavior
When siblings fight, our instinct is often to separate them and dole out consequences. But the surface behavior usually masks deeper feelings—jealousy, feeling unheard, or fear of not being loved enough. Take time to acknowledge these emotions: “It sounds like you felt left out when your sister got to choose the movie,” or “You seem angry that your brother got praise for his drawing.” Validating emotions doesn’t mean accepting poor behavior, but it helps children feel understood and teaches them to identify their feelings.
4. Teach Conflict Resolution Skills, Don't Just End Fights
Instead of always playing referee, empower your children to work through conflicts themselves. Teach them a simple framework: First, each person gets to say how they feel without interruption. Then, they brainstorm solutions together. Finally, they agree on a plan moving forward. Start by guiding this process, but gradually step back as they develop these skills. Children who learn to resolve conflicts with siblings carry these abilities into all their relationships.
5. Establish Clear Family Rules About Respect
Create explicit family guidelines about how family members treat each other. Rules might include: “We don’t call names,” “We don’t hurt each other’s bodies,” “We don’t destroy each other’s belongings,” and “We don’t exclude family members from activities.” Post these rules where everyone can see them and refer to them consistently. When bullying behavior occurs, connect it back to the family values: “In our family, we don’t use words to hurt each other.”
6. Recognize When Rivalry Crosses Into Bullying
Normal sibling conflict involves children of relatively equal power going back and forth. Bullying involves an imbalance of power—whether due to age, size, social skills, or parental favoritism—where one child consistently targets another. Signs include: one child always being the victim, behavior that continues despite consequences, actions intended to humiliate or isolate, or one child being afraid of another. When rivalry becomes bullying, it requires immediate intervention and possibly professional help.
7. Foster Teamwork and Shared Goals
Create opportunities for siblings to work together toward common goals rather than competing against each other. This might involve family projects, collaborative games, or challenges where they succeed or fail together. When siblings experience working as a team, they begin to see each other as allies rather than competitors. Praise teamwork when you see it: “I noticed how you two helped each other build that fort. You make a great team.”
8. Handle Tattling Strategically
Constant tattling can drive parents crazy, but it’s important to distinguish between tattling and reporting genuine problems. Tattling usually involves trying to get a sibling in trouble for minor infractions. Reporting involves safety concerns or serious rule violations. Teach children the difference: “Is someone hurt or in danger? Is someone being seriously mean? If not, try to work it out yourselves first.” This reduces unnecessary intervention while ensuring real problems get attention.
9. Avoid Taking Sides or Playing Detective
When conflicts arise, resist the urge to determine who started it or who’s more at fault. This approach often leads to one child feeling like the “bad kid” and the other learning to play victim. Instead, focus on moving forward: “I see two upset children. Let’s figure out how to solve this problem.” If consequences are needed, they should focus on natural outcomes rather than punishment: if they fought over a toy, the toy gets put away; if they can’t share screen time nicely, screen time ends for both.
10. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Children learn more from what they observe than what they’re told. How do you handle conflicts with your partner, friends, or family members? Do you speak respectfully when you’re frustrated? Do you apologize when you make mistakes? Do you show interest in others’ perspectives? Your children are constantly watching and learning from your example. If you want them to treat each other with kindness and respect, that’s what they need to see from you.
When to Seek Additional Help
While sibling conflict is normal, certain situations warrant professional support:
- When one child seems consistently anxious, depressed, or fearful around siblings
- When conflicts escalate to physical violence that could cause injury
- When bullying behavior persists despite consistent intervention
- When family dynamics feel out of control or are affecting everyone’s mental health
- When you’re concerned about the long-term impact on any child’s self-esteem or development
Building Long-Term Sibling Bonds
Remember that the goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict between siblings—some rivalry and disagreement is normal and even healthy. The goal is to help children develop the skills to navigate relationships respectfully and to maintain their love for each other through inevitable challenges.
Sibling relationships often become closer as children mature and the childhood competition fades. Many of the strategies that reduce rivalry today—individual attention, conflict resolution skills, family respect standards—also lay the groundwork for lifelong friendship between your children.
The patience and consistency required to guide siblings through these challenges is significant, but the payoff—watching your children become each other’s champions rather than competitors—makes the effort worthwhile. Every family dinner where siblings actually enjoy each other’s company and every moment when they choose to support rather than sabotage each other is a victory worth celebrating.